The nobility of change

We've all seen movies with the "Maybe I can change them" trope, yes? Is there a more naive, foolhardy thought than that? Why would you want to change someone? Why would you delude yourself into thinking you can change someone? And most of all, why would you think someone would be willing to change for you? As much as change is the only constant in all of existence, it happens only for two reasons: Either the circumstances force the change on someone or someone changes for their benefit. Nothing else.

We all have people in our lives we put ourselves out there for, don't we? Is there a more joyous feeling than that? We love them, we are willing to do anything for them and the most noble thing of all - we change ourselves for them. But, all of this is worth it under one and only condition - They're willing to do it for you as well. I'm not saying it has to be transactional. I'm saying it has to be fair. You change something about yourself and they change something about themselves. And you grow together into a beautiful new you.

As beautiful as a sentiment as the above statement is, realize one thing - expecting someone to change for you, even a little bit, just because you did for them is the most naive and unfounded thought. For no one will change unless it benefits them or they're forced to change by the environment around them. Humans are organisms that have evolved over a truly long time and as such, our brains hold our personalities quite closely. To paraphrase Master Yoda - "Strong, the sense of individuality with most humans is, hmm". As we go through life and get older, we accumulate new experiences that form the basis for all new choices we make and directions we take. The only way to go through this chaotic life with all its uncertainties is to have confidence in your decisions. To believe that you have taken the right choice based on everything you've accrued till that point. And to affect change on yourself proactively is to change those 'elements' about you which guide such decisions and choices.

Which is why I say - changing for someone is the most noble notion of all. That brings me back to my original point - Don't expect people to change just because it would suit you or because you changed for them or because it would be the right thing. Expect them to be selfish. Expect them to be calculating and self-centered irrespective of what you do because that, is human nature. That is the sense of individuality ingrained into all of us over millennia of evolution and survival instincts so why would it betray us?

After all, all humans are alike in many ways so trust those baseline behaviors. We take and take and take without any notion of giving. We are creatures of habit and don't respond well to change. We hold our comforts above the inconveniences of others. All of these are an intrinsic part of all humans and as such, the point isn't if they're right or wrong, but if those behaviors are or are not what is to be expected. And the answer is they are. They are how 99 out of 100 humans operate. They are how 99 out of 100 choices are made when faced with dilemmas.

Think about it. And now to the biggest question inside all this. What can you do about it? Easy. You can choose to what extent you're willing to acknowledge, accept and adjust. For that is how you grow as a person if you want to build something together.

So, don't fool yourself into callously thinking someone will be willing to change for you, even a little. No. They will only if it benefits them, no matter the cost to you. After all, you're expecting them to change only so it would benefit you, aren't you?